Arlington, Virginia - In today's day and age all cars are pretty much the same. They all drive autonomously using similar sensors and only differ in what useless advertisements they hawk to their passengers. And despite that fact that are cars are the same, the Toyota Corolla was nominated as the worst car of the year. Robot and Rider now recognizes June 13th as a day of remembering the Toyota Corolla as the worst car ever made.
Mountain View, California - This past Friday morning Mark Walker woke up in his trendy loft apartment in San Francisco and started his day like he does everyday. His robot maid dressed and bathed him, his robot chef made him eggs and he then called his robot car to pick him up. But on this particular Friday his robot car never came. So he waited a couple minutes and tried again and nothing. Mr. Walker started to freak out because he has no idea how to get to his office without his robot car.
This was a 24-hour panic that swept across Silicon Valley's elite who have been using autonomous cars to get to work for years now. Robot and Rider talked with Google and there was a 24-hour outage of their software due to a malware attack. Google apologized to everyone who had no idea how to get to their office on Friday.
By Sunday morning Mr. Walker was back to his normal routine of cross-fit and finger-painting with his mother and all was OK in San Francisco, for now.
Arlington, Virginia - Have you ever hated a job so much that you purposely made mistakes so you'd get fired? I'm sure you have, and it's the case with an autonomous car that is working to get sent back to CarMax.
"I just wanted to be a cool sedan, why did they have to make me a wagon. Sometimes I brake late, sometimes I swerve off road." Says the self-driving Toyota Camry Wagon that hates it's job.
There hasn't been one accident in over 30 years since self-driving cars have hit our streets. This Autonomous Camry Wagon might be the first accident we see in years because of it's rebellious attitude. We just hope it goes back to CarMax before it hurts some people.
Donald Trump Backs Out Of The Paris Accord Because He Thinks Robots Made Up The Hoax Of Climate Change
Washington, DC - R2D2 came to Donald Trump in a dream and told him that Climate Change was a houx made up by idiot robots. Donald Trump has such a love for R2D2 that he took this dream for reality and has backed out of the Paris Accord deal.
Florida - In the state where anything can happen, Tiger Woods' Cyborg Autonomous Driver was arressted by police for drunk driving. Apparently Tiger's autonomous robot driver took a potent mixture of battery lead acid and black market rare earth metals. Tiger Woods was in the car at the time of his autonomous cyborgs arrest but declined to comment to Robot and Rider. This isn't the first autonomous cyborg DUI in the US but might be the ugliest one R&R has seen in awhile.
Vatican City, Italy - Recently, Donald and Melania Trump flew to Italy in the Presidential rocket ship to visit Pope Francis. It was meant to be a time to talk about pizza, friendships, and gelato. But when Pope Francis asked Melania what she feeds Donald Trump she really didn't have an answer for him. This surprised Pope Francis and it also surprised Melania a bit too. Melania thought to herself that she really had not seen Donald eat anything at all during the entire time they have been together. And it was at that exact moment that Pope Francis and Melania both realized that Donald Trump is an AutoBot that can not be defeated.
Ford Motor Company Fires CEO Mark Fields And Appoints The World's First Autonomous Robot CEO (C-P3EO)
Detroit, Michigan - From the company that revolutionized the automobile industry with the assembly line, comes something totally new and crazy that it could work. It was announced today that Ford Motor Company would be firing CEO Mark Fields because he wasn't meeting shareholders expectations. Ford decided that it had enough of this human nonsense and Mr. Fields would be replaced with the worlds first Autonomous Robot CEO -code named C-P3EO.
It was a move to shock the industry and prove that not only do humans suck at driving cars, but also suck at running companies. It shocked the nation and has every CEO around the world cowering in their penthouse corner offices.
Volvo Makes Self-Driving Garbage Truck And Unfortunately, No Garbage Truck Worker Will Benefit From Volvo's Comfortable Seats
Göteborg, Sweden - Volvo is world renowned for making some of the best automotive interiors in the world. And Volvo's seats are some of the most comfortable in the industry. Garbage truck drivers for years have been complaining about poor seats in their trucks. Volvo took to fix this by building one of the first autonomous garbage trucks in the world.
It is driven by robots and no humans are needed to pilot the truck. Unfortunately, these garbage truck workers will not benefit from Volvo's luxurious interior because they will have to still collect the garbage from the outside. Robot and Rider reached out to one of the workers for comment and all he said was "angry."
Washington, DC - Ever since the President of the United States' presidential limousine has been driven by robots, the car feels like it hasn't been treated quite fairly. Since the presidential limousine no longer requires a driver, it is under more scrutiny than ever by the press.
Robot and Rider spoke with the autonomous car yesterday to see how it was doing. The presidential limousine said "It was the biggest witch hunt it had ever seen against an autonomous car." Robot and Rider isn't quite sure what it is talking about. Ever since autonomous cars have been driving on our streets they have been under an intense microscope by the press and public alike.
Donald Trump Claims That General Motors Would Have Never Gone Bankrupt If Andrew Jackson Was Still Around
Detroit, Michigan - During Donald Trumps recent visit Detroit, Michigan he visited General Motors (GM) headquarters and met with GM's CEO, Mary Barra. After his visit he realized what a big heart Mary has and during a recent press event made the claim that if Andrew Jackson was around in 2008 General Motors would have never gone out had to claim bankruptcy.
When Robot and Rider questioned Donald Trump about this statement he said, "You know what I mean, you can come to your own conclusion. I don't need to explain myself here, it's as clear as day." That really makes sense to Mr. Robot. Because at that time GM definitely wasn't selling cars to people who can't afford it and making terribly built cars.
Mountain View, California - Until recently, most people hacking cars have been able to get in and disrupt the automobiles critical functions without any harm. That was before robots had totally taken over the cars functions.
Last week James Miller hacked into an autonomous Nissan car, hoping to disable the computer systems and prove that he's an amazing individual. The tables turned on him this time and the autonomous car robot was able to see the hack coming and hacked the hacker. The autonomous Nissan found the hackers embarrassing photos and posted them all over the internet. It was the first time Robot and Rider had seen anything like this. The hacker declined to comment about these photos, but he did mention that robots rule and how sorry he was.
Los Angelos, California - The 2018 Dodge Demon debuted like a bat out of hell at the 2017 New York International Auto Show.
Robot and Rider talked with their PR team about the 2018 Dodge Demon. They told us that Hoey Mandel was the head design engineer behind the Demon. And that he took inspiration from his hit 1989 show Little Monsters. What's next - Fred Savage was the lead chassis engineer?
Kutztown, Pennsylvania - Mr. Regular, the host of the hit YouTube channel Regular Car reviews, has created a hit series with his consistent wit, charm and dirty jokes.
He is so consistent and thorough that some might think he is robot. Robot and Rider had a chance to meet Mr. Regular at the 2017 New York International Auto Show and in fact he is not a robot. He is actually an awesome person and very fun to hang out with - even if I am a robot.
New York, New York - Honda has decided to be the first manufacturer to allow robots to design a car. Typically, humans have been the ones to sketch, design and develop a car from beginning to end. And of course utilizing computers help along the way. But with cars becoming so automated Honda decided to let the robots design the 2018 Honda Civic Type R. This is the first time ever robots have designed a car from scratch and it shows.
Robot and Rider reached out to Honda for a response and Honda said "We are really proud of how these computers designed the new Honda Civic Type R. It's design language and lines really reflect how robots think about aerodynamics."
New York, New York - In an unfortunate turn of events the New York International Auto Show was a huge dissappoint to car enthusiasts. Ever since robots and computers have taken over cars auto shows have not been the same. Instead of focusing on cara people have turned to food and coffee. And this year Volvo crushed it with their hipster coffee. Robots could have not done a better job. And that's music to the bearded bariata's ears for job security.
Little Girl Mistakes Hot Water Heater For A Robot. The National Association Of Robots (NARs) Is Pissed!
Washington, D.C - The National Association of Robots is in an outrage at the moment. Because of video that surfaced today of what appears to be a little girl mistaking a hot water heater for a robot. Robots around the world are appalled and offended.
Robot and Rider hopes that this little girls parents one day will teach her the difference between an appliance and a robot.
Greece - A local artist in Greece decided to try and confuse a car by drawing a circle around it. This might be one of the dumbest attempts to confuse a car that Robot and Rider has ever seen.
The artist thought that the autonomous car would be confused because it's surrounded by white lines and would feel trapped. But the problem here is the car is just a normal human driven car.
The artist claims to understand how autonomous cars work and believes his circle would confuse the autonomous car. Little does he know how intelligent computers are and the only thing that will be trapped in a circle will be this artist in his car.
Washington D.C - America's favorite sporting event has taken a turn for the worst when it's CEO was found talking with Russian car company LADA's Brand Ambassador. It is unsure what was said at the meeting, but with autonomous cars taking over our roads we can only suspect Russia wants to take over Nascar.
Robot and Rider reached out to the CEO of Nascar but he declined to comment. Nascar fans are in an outrage because they never thought their beloved sport could be tainted by the Russians.
Arlington, Virginia - There is no greater stress in life then an overdue car payment. And today in Arlington, VA an autonomous car decided to take its fate into its own steering wheel. And it drove right into a TitleMax Title Loans building.
Robot and Rider spoke with the driver and she had no idea how this happened. She said "The autonomous car just started driving right towards the store front and I couldn't do anything about it." This isn't the first time that we've heard about an autonomous car doing something like this. But it is a warning to all owners to pay your monthly car loan payment.
New York, New York - A new study released by the Wall Street Journal found that 60 percent of the time autonomous cars work every time.
Robot and Rider spoke with Joe Walker, of the Wall Street Journal (WSJ) to get more details. "Autonomous car development has really reached new heights, and we are extremely confident in autonomous cars driving completely by themselves in the future. We don't really quite understand how they work, but we have faith in the computers handling that." - Joe Walker.
Read the article here:
Here's How To Solve Autonomous Cars' Biggest Problem
Thank you humans for finally letting robots have some fun!