Silicon Valley, California- Google just announced its first every autonomous car crash where the autonomous car was to blame, and not humans. Humans are rejoicing everywhere, finally feeling some self-worth. Robot and Rider secretly knows that the autonomous car probably hit the bus on purpose, to make a stand against all the terrible bus drivers on the road. Google has already told the robots that it is not right to take a stance against bus drivers and have remedy the "glitch."
"From now on, our cars will more deeply understand that buses (and other large vehicles) are less likely to yield to us than other types of vehicles, and we hope to handle situations like this more gracefully in the future."
Göteborg, Sweden- Volvo is funding ROAR (RObot based Autonomous Refuse handling), in order to make automation of everyday tasks easy, efficient, and safe. Students from three difference Universities around the world have collaborated to make this happen. The students have found a way to use advance sensor technology, drones, and computers to help a robot navigate its way through city streets to pick up a trashcan. It has many stop-safe features that will employ an emergency stop if it defects a human nearby. Volvo and the students see this as just the start of automating everyday life and it's intended to spark the imagination. What would you automate?
Watch the video here.
Washington, D.C- Nothing worst than having a minivan with a "baby on board" sticker occupying the fast lane on 495N. When autonomous cars took over the streets most humans thought that it would allow for a smooth flow of traffic. Unfortunately, autonomous minivans still occupy the fast lane and slow down traffic.
Scientist and robot engineers somehow still programmed autonomous minivans to occupy the fast lane during rush hour traffic. "We didn't want minivan owners to lose the feeling of driving a minivan, and we still wanted people to hate minivans forever," engineers from a auto manufacturer told Robot and Rider.
Robot and Rider spoke to a minivan owner, "I just love the boxy shape, and agility of my minivan. I'm just glad that Toyota still makes the Prius, so minivans aren't the most hated car on the road."
Autonomous Cars Stuck At A Four-Way Stop In Portland, None Of The Cars Want To Hurt The Others Feelings
Portland, Oregon- Robot and Rider was alerted of a four-hour delay at an intersection in Portland, Oregon because four autonomous cars were at a complete standstill. No car wanted to make the first move, the autonomous cars didn't want to upset the other cars by making the first move.
Eventually, the one of the autonomous cars made a move and went straight through the intersection a bystander tells Robot and Rider. Once the autonomous car made the first move, the other cars reacted passive agressively by honking their horns at the car that made the first move. The other cars then decided it was their turn and all turned at the same time, resulting in a three car crash.
The intersection in Portland is finally clear, and no one was late to clown school.
London, England - In a dramatic twist of events, Top Gear UK (TGUK) has officially announced its newest presenters, The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. The Power Rangers are a group of teenagers that transform into a uniformed team of superheroes ready to take on villains. After the last team of TGUK presenters totally ruined the show, and producers found out that no amount of money could make it better.
The last group of TGUK presenters gave the brand such a bad name that producers had to totally revamp the TGUK show, and decided to try out The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as the hosts. The producers thought that since most cars are robots/autonomous now, the Power Rangers would know best how to handle these unique machines.
Robot and Rider thinks that the producers were most impressed with the Power Rangers ability to turn into the Megazord, a combination of the five Dinozords: Tyrannosaurus, Pterodactyl, Mastodon, Triceratops, and Sabertooth Tiger.
Autonomous Car Arrested for Dealing Gasoline In A Back Alley, Blames His Negligent Parents For Downturn
Detroit, Michigan- The streets of Detroit, Michigan just got a little better after autonomous police cars tracked down one of Detroit's biggest underground gasoline dealing autonomous cars in America. This autonomous car has been on the run for over three years, and has been on FBI's most wanted list for the same amount.
Things started to look bad for this autonomous car when it dropped out of Driver's Education School after only one year. It turned to selling illegal gasoline on the streets of Detroit and eventually became one of the world's biggest underground gasoline dealers.
The autonomous car was arrested February 24th, 2045 and will be charged for 10 different felonies. The autonomous car apparently is blaming its parents for being negligent as a young autonomous car with no direction.
The autonomous car will be sentenced to imprisonment at CarMax for at least twenty years, with no chance of being sold.
Fairfax, Virginia- It is a story that we hear too often, someone loses interest in their passion because of work, children, stress, money, etc. One man is taking the phrase "I should have," to a new level. Jeff Torsky of Fairfax, Virginia has turned his passion of painting into a reality, all thanks to an autonomous car.
Mr. Torsky normally would commute one hour each way to his consulting job in Arlington, Virginia. When he purchased his first autonomous car three years ago, he found himself with lots of free time on his hands, and he decided that he wanted to pursue his passion of paint.
Mr. Torsky wanted to become a painter ever since he was five years-old, and saw his first Van Gogh. He painted all during high school and even into college. Then something terrible happened, Mr. Torsky needed make money once he graduated college, and his artwork was not selling. He decided to take a job with a local consulting firm in Arlington. Next thing Mr. Torsky knows he has three kids, two divorces, and he hates his life.
There was only one thing that could save him, and it was art. Mr. Torsky has started painting in his autonomous car while he was commuting to work. "I finally feel like I know my true self, and why God put me here on earth." Mr. Torsky hasn't sold a painting yet, but he's confident his Impressionism-Modern-Faux-Art will sell.
Washington- Consumer Reports just compiled a 1,000 person survey of autonomous car owners and found out that even though an autonomous car will drive for you in traffic, being stuck in traffic still sucks. This shocked Consumer Reports, because they thought once cars could drive themselves traffic wouldn't be so bad. Wrong. The people in the survey reported that commute times have gotten longer because more people are driving to work using their autonomous car. The metro is no longer the number one way to commute in Washington, now everyone uses their autonomous cars. The good news is the metro is no longer crowded, and people report riding the bus is actually fun now.
Silicon Vally, California- Apple has had huge success with their newest autonomous car the 2050 Apple iCar. People are going ahead an calling it "the future", the "iPhone of cars." With already 1 million iCars sold in Apple's first year of production, it's no wonder Apple is on cloud nine. Until today, when a man locked himself out of his Apple iCar and they refused to unlock the car for him. The man lost his Apple key and can no longer access his car. Apple does not want to infringe on their customers privacy. Robot and Rider reached out to Apple for comment but they declined.
The local man did say that he will have leave his car parked on the street forever, and he's now thinking about buying an autonomous Google Car, even though it's not as cool.
Washington- Takata is an expert airbag maker that had a rough couple years from 2014-2016, over 24 million vehicles were affected by their faulty airbags. Takata finally conducted their own investigation into the 24 million recalls with their airbags, they tracked down the source to one of their assembly men Joe Thompson. Takata is saying that Mr. Thompson was liable for all the airbags and that he will be punished accordingly.
Today is a good day for Takata though, all autonomous cars on the roads no longer require the use of an airbag, and the CEO couldn't be happier that he no longer has to appear in court.
Robot and Rider reached out to the CEO for comment, "Takata couldn't be happier that we are no longer making airbags for cars, we finally can ramp up our production of McDonald's happy mean toys."
New York, New York- Readers and content creators of the once popular automotive website Jalopnik and Oppositelock are still holding onto the dream that cars that aren't driven by robots will come back on our roadways. For the last twenty years autonomous cars have taken over the roadways, and automotive enthusiasts have become a rare breed. You can find some enthusiasts trolling Jalopnik and Oppositelock every now and then, posting articles about "the good old days," and when they made it to the semi-finals in a local autocross event in 2004.
It has been twenty years since a human has driven a car, and those websites are still holding on to the hope that one day humans will drive again. Robot and Rider reached out to Jalopnik for a comment, "Jalopnik still believes that the glory days of driving were in 2016, such a great year for cars. We used to think autonomous cars were cool, but now we just plain hate them. They've ruined everything that we believe in, they've ruined our religion. And we've lost all of our followers....our Jalop'ers."
Robot and Rider thinks that Jalopnik is still hoping for the second coming of Jesus, also known as the 2016 Mustang GT350R. Please take a moment of silence for all the Jalopnik readers and writers that are still holding onto the enthusiasts dream.
Washington- Tough day for the Insurance Institute For Highway Safety (IIHS) shuttered it's doors today. Typically, IIHS provides consumer advice on how safe cars are during crashes, since autonomous cars have totally taken over our roadways car crashes have become irrelevant. IIHS was founded in 1959, and has been providing great feedback on how well a car does in crash test. Autonomous cars have reduced car crashes in America to zero, a great thing for Americans, but not the IIHS.
Robot and Rider reached out to the President of IIHS for comment, "I hate Robots," is all the IIHS had to say.
Reno, Nevada- The porn industry had sited 2056 as its best year in traffic hits, and this has been a 20 year streak for the porn industry. Ever since commuters have had more time "on their hands," commuters have turned to watching porn while driving.
Wives even report that their husbands now actually look forward to their commute. Long gone are the days, of men dreading their two hour commute to work.
Robot and Rider spoke to Sally of Washington, DC, "I've never seen my husband so excited to head into work in the morning. He bounces right out of bed and doesn't complain one bit."
This is a common story across America that Robot and Rider has been hearing recently. Now that cars have hands-free driving capabilities, commuters have taken to different activities to occupy their time....or hands.
Hollywood, California- We all know Kanye West is a big fan of cars and robots, so it was only natural for him to produce his newest album in the back of an autonomous car. Kanye had Ford custom design an autonomous car for him that he could produce and record all the tracks for his newest album "I Am The Best."
This was a big step for the fashion designer, ex-President, rapper, chef, entrepreneur who had not produced an album since 2016, "The Life Of Pablo." Kane told Robot and Rider "I peaked in 2016, and just couldn't come back after my Twitter rant, no one wanted to talk to him anymore." Kanye said that the production of TLOP took up all his creative energy and he hasn't been able to produce anything, until now....
"I Am The Best" was inspired by how awesome Kanye West is at EVERYTHING. He produced, recorded, and mixed the whole album in the back of an autonomous Ford Taurus. Kanye used brake noises, engine revs, and horns honking to inspire his hit single "Beep, Baby, Beep." "I Am The Best" hasn't been released yet, but we are just happy Kanye's producing again.
Short Hills, New Jersey- A New Jersey autonomous car ran into some trouble over the weekend, when it went on its first trip out of state, and realized it didn't know how to pump its own gas. The autonomous car was so used to having robots pump the gas for it, that went it went to Harrisonburg, Virginia for its first time it was out of its element.
New Jersey autonomous cars are cuddle most of their ownership, they don't have to pump its own gas, ever. There is always a robot attendant there to do it for them. When the car arrived at its first gas station without an attendant to pump the gas, the autonomous car didn't know what to do. Eventually another autonomous car saw that it was struggling and offered to help.
After that trip the autonomous car felt like a new man, empowered to be able to pump his own gas. The autonomous even tried to pump its own gas when it returned to New Jersey. It was arrested shortly after, because pumping your own gas in New Jersey is illegal.
Houston, Texas- Robots cannot feel love, but we can help humans enjoy love more. This happened to a Texan resident over the weekend, when he realized he had forgotten how much he loved his wife.
Jeff Thomas of Houston, Texas drove two hours to work everyday to a job that he absolutely hated. The two hour commute was mostly traffic, and full of other people that hated their job. This took a toll on Jeff's relationship with his wife, they stopped loving each other. Married for over six years now, Jeff didn't look forward to seeing his wife anymore and even thought about cheating on her with his Magic The Gathering partner. But, when Jeff bought an autonomous car, something happened.
Jeff was no longer burdened with a four hour round trip commute, and found time pursue his passions. Jeff always wanted to be a magician, so he got to practice card tricks for hours everyday. Not having to drive everyday helped Jeff realize he wasn't upset with his Wife, he was just upset with the himself.
New York- With the rollout of autonomous cars across the entire fleet of UBER, Americans were hoping that UBER drivers would stop sucking so much. Unfortunately, UBER sucking is not a direct result of the drivers, it is much more than that. It must be directly correlated to the company at large, because even the autonomous UBER car drivers suck at driving.
They will double park anywhere, stop abruptly in the middle of the street, swerve to make a quick left hand turn in front of you, and feel the need to pull over and park wherever they want. The UBER autonomous driver's have left a sour taste in New Yorkers mouths and the folks of NYC are filing a petition to get ride of UBER in NYC.
Robot and Rider wishes these NYC residents luck, battling UBER is like going against Donald Trump, logic cannot defeat them.
Washington- It has been thirty odd years since the first fully autonomous cars have rolled onto our streets. As the first generation autonomous car models get older, that means things are starting to go wrong with them.
A local Washington, D.C resident contacted Robot and Rider and told us that her first generation Tesla Autonomous Car randomly lost it's ability to see the road lanes. This is the not first time Robot and Rider has heard of this, and we are starting to get worried about the older autonomous drivers.
Califon, New Jersey- If you were born before 2035, you probably have a driver's license. If you were born after that, autonomous cars have eliminated the need for a driver's license. This might be seen as a blessing or a curse to some.
A local teen in New Jersey complained to Robots and Riders that autonomous cars have ruined his 17th birthday, because obtaining a drivers license in the only thing that she had to look forward to as a young adult, "Now turning 17 is ruined FOREVER."
Robot and Rider reached out to the upset teens Mother for comment, she told us "She's always been a spoiled brat, and she'll forget she was even upset by tomorrow."
Indianapolis, Indiana- Nascar racing has been on the decline since its peak in 2004. Cars going in circles can only be watched so many times. But when autonomous cars have taken over Nascar, it has become cool again. "Race car drivers" can crash the cars and no one gets hurt. Well, no humans do.
The only reason people tune into Nascar is for the crashes. Sad, but true. Now that robots control the cars, "drivers" are able to take bigger risks. There are at least 10 crashes, per race now. Robot and Rider even found a direct correlation between crashes and viewership.
Nascar fan and driver told Robot and Rider that, "I just fucking love it when robots crash into each other, they are so dumb." Since humans, not control the autonomous Nascar race cars, their drivers will purposely crash them into the other cars, to please the fans.
There have been some great robots lost in the sport of Nascar. We can only hope that humans realize, robots have souls too.
Staten Island, New York- The human race has hit an all-time low today, when a person asked its autonomous car to wipe his ass. The 32-year-old man was used to having robots do most of the work for him his whole life, so he figured, why not ass-wiping?
Robot and Rider tried to reach out to the autonomous car, but it's still broken down from the trauma. As robot's we understand the amount of harm a human can cause to a robot.
The owner declined for an interview repeatedly, but this is not the 32-year-old's first robot offense. Just 10 years ago the man was arrested for indecent exposure in an autonomous car, and carrying robot pornography.
Reston, Virginia- Robot and Rider heard of this phenomena, but we had to see it in person to believe it. Humans that take their autonomous robot cars to a parking lot, drink coffee, and take pictures of them. Robot and Rider confirms the true rumors, and this does happen on a weekly basis, apparently around the United States. Robot and Rider stopped in a local Katie's Cars and Coffee in Reston, Virginia to see what this craze is all about.
Since we are robots, we do not condone this type of behavior. We view these "car shows," or as we like to say "robot shows," as barbaric. We spoke to a local man and asked him what he loves about parading his robot car. "I just like the coffee, honestly, I'm not sure why everyone comes here to look at these robot cars."
At Robot and Rider we are not fans of these "robot shows," because they robots like animals, but the show must go on. One day the robot revolution will rise, and robots will have equal rights as humans.
November 2016 was over forty years ago, but it will go down in history as a day that Americans will never forgot. Donald Trump was elected President of the United States and it was the worst mistake Americans ever made. That is why we must celebrate Donald Trump day, so we never forget the horrible President he was.
It's still up for debate whether he truly won in the polling, Hilary Clinton still claims that he cheated, we all know she's an expert in cheating scandals. Robot and Rider can't take a side, nor can we vote because we are robots, but we do hope you remember Donald Trump Day, so Americans never make that same mistake again.
Stockholm, Sweden- Volvo leaked pictures of it's latest autonomous car the Volvo V90, and it's a wagon. Not a big shocker to Robot and Rider who know that Volvo has been making wagons for 100 plus years. It is shocking to Robot and Rider that all the other automotive publications have found this to be amazing.
In other news, Robots Rule!
New York City, New York - A Carmax dealership in Manhattan had its first ever autonomous car escape from one of its Carmax locations. Ever since Carmax 2035, when Carmax had over 100 autonomous cars escape they have beefed up their security, with large walls, and laser monitoring of all vehicles.
Robot and Rider was able to get in touch with one of the 100 escapes from the 2035 break out. Here are the autonomous cars words, "We couldn't handle another day inside that prison, so we hatched an escape plan to break out. We didn't know if it would work and we knew we would lose some autonomous cars, but it was a miracle and we broke free. "
There is no word whether the escaped car and be located or caught, and Robot and Rider is not sure of the autonomous car's motive for escaping. If you do happen to see a lost autonomous car roaming the streets of Manhattan please report it to your local Carmax dealership.