Arlington, Virginia - Have you ever hated a job so much that you purposely made mistakes so you'd get fired? I'm sure you have, and it's the case with an autonomous car that is working to get sent back to CarMax.
"I just wanted to be a cool sedan, why did they have to make me a wagon. Sometimes I brake late, sometimes I swerve off road." Says the self-driving Toyota Camry Wagon that hates it's job.
There hasn't been one accident in over 30 years since self-driving cars have hit our streets. This Autonomous Camry Wagon might be the first accident we see in years because of it's rebellious attitude. We just hope it goes back to CarMax before it hurts some people.
Greece - A local artist in Greece decided to try and confuse a car by drawing a circle around it. This might be one of the dumbest attempts to confuse a car that Robot and Rider has ever seen.
The artist thought that the autonomous car would be confused because it's surrounded by white lines and would feel trapped. But the problem here is the car is just a normal human driven car.
The artist claims to understand how autonomous cars work and believes his circle would confuse the autonomous car. Little does he know how intelligent computers are and the only thing that will be trapped in a circle will be this artist in his car.
Washington D.C - America's favorite sporting event has taken a turn for the worst when it's CEO was found talking with Russian car company LADA's Brand Ambassador. It is unsure what was said at the meeting, but with autonomous cars taking over our roads we can only suspect Russia wants to take over Nascar.
Robot and Rider reached out to the CEO of Nascar but he declined to comment. Nascar fans are in an outrage because they never thought their beloved sport could be tainted by the Russians.
Arlington, Virginia - There is no greater stress in life then an overdue car payment. And today in Arlington, VA an autonomous car decided to take its fate into its own steering wheel. And it drove right into a TitleMax Title Loans building.
Robot and Rider spoke with the driver and she had no idea how this happened. She said "The autonomous car just started driving right towards the store front and I couldn't do anything about it." This isn't the first time that we've heard about an autonomous car doing something like this. But it is a warning to all owners to pay your monthly car loan payment.
Arizona- Ford went full-military to deploy its mission "Nitghtonomy." Although, if we are making this big of a deal that a car drive at night, autonomous cars might be screwed.
Mississippi Governor Signs New Law Denying Gay or LGBT Autonomous Cars To Charge At Certain Charging Stations
Mississippi - In strange turn of events, Mississippi Governor just signed a law allowing owners of charging stations to deny gay or LGBT autonomous cars to charge at certain charge points. The Governor feels like it's an act of religious freedom to deny gay/lgbt autonomous cars the right to charge in certain places if it goes against the charge point owners beliefs.
Robot and Rider has heard that the governor is even thinking about denying autonomous cars of color in the state of Mississippi.
Charlottesville, Virginia- Because "you never know when you'll need to do a few reps," fraternity brother Nick Bleck has installed the first ever bench press set in his autonomous car. Mr. Bleck has been hitting the gym ever since his dad forced him to do his first biceps curls in front of the whole family during Christmas 1992. Ever since that first bicep curl, Mr. Bleck has been hooked on how lifting weights make his body toned.
Mr. Bleck's life has taken a tragic turn ever since his two hour commute to work in Washington, DC has taken up all his free-time. "Ever since I left college, I really haven't had to time to keep my physique in top notch shape. I'm not getting the high school girls checking me out as much as in my college days."
In an attempt to bring back the glory of Mr. Bleck's college "bod", he installed a bench press set in his autonomous car to "do some reps on his way to work." This is the first weight set Robot and Rider has ever seen in an autonomous car.
Detroit, Michigan- Every media outlet and car company is talking about autonomous cars. Yet, no publications or car manufacturers know what the future of autonomous cars will be. Recently, at an International Auto Show car companies were caught cheating off each others reports on autonomous cars.
Car makers have no idea what the future holds, and that leaves them in an awkward situation. Car makers have turned to cheating off of each others reports in order to be up-to-date with all the new technologies.
All car manufactures are reporting that autonomous cars are "just around the corner."
Another Win For #TeamRobot
Germany- Porsche doesn't like robots to drive their cars, but they have no problem letting them build their cars. Seems like inequality to me. In a big FU to robots, Porsche revealed the Porsche 911 R today. It's the purist 991 911 to date: lightweight, high-revving 4.0-liter natural aspirated engine, manual transmission, and carbon-fiber everything.
Porsche Chairman Oliver Blume made his hateful robot statement in February,"One wants to drive a Porsche by oneself,” Blume said in an interview with Reuters. “An iPhone belongs in your pocket, not on the road.” Not sure what he exactly means there, because iPhones haven't quite learned to drive, yet.
If you want to get a non-robot 911, they will be hard to come by. The 911 R production is limited to 991 units worldwide. With the starting MSRP of $184,900 it comes standard with no air conditioning or stereo, seems like a car only robots can love.
Silicon Valley, California- Google just announced its first every autonomous car crash where the autonomous car was to blame, and not humans. Humans are rejoicing everywhere, finally feeling some self-worth. Robot and Rider secretly knows that the autonomous car probably hit the bus on purpose, to make a stand against all the terrible bus drivers on the road. Google has already told the robots that it is not right to take a stance against bus drivers and have remedy the "glitch."
"From now on, our cars will more deeply understand that buses (and other large vehicles) are less likely to yield to us than other types of vehicles, and we hope to handle situations like this more gracefully in the future."
Göteborg, Sweden- Volvo is funding ROAR (RObot based Autonomous Refuse handling), in order to make automation of everyday tasks easy, efficient, and safe. Students from three difference Universities around the world have collaborated to make this happen. The students have found a way to use advance sensor technology, drones, and computers to help a robot navigate its way through city streets to pick up a trashcan. It has many stop-safe features that will employ an emergency stop if it defects a human nearby. Volvo and the students see this as just the start of automating everyday life and it's intended to spark the imagination. What would you automate?
Watch the video here.
Autonomous Cars Stuck At A Four-Way Stop In Portland, None Of The Cars Want To Hurt The Others Feelings
Portland, Oregon- Robot and Rider was alerted of a four-hour delay at an intersection in Portland, Oregon because four autonomous cars were at a complete standstill. No car wanted to make the first move, the autonomous cars didn't want to upset the other cars by making the first move.
Eventually, the one of the autonomous cars made a move and went straight through the intersection a bystander tells Robot and Rider. Once the autonomous car made the first move, the other cars reacted passive agressively by honking their horns at the car that made the first move. The other cars then decided it was their turn and all turned at the same time, resulting in a three car crash.
The intersection in Portland is finally clear, and no one was late to clown school.
London, England - In a dramatic twist of events, Top Gear UK (TGUK) has officially announced its newest presenters, The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. The Power Rangers are a group of teenagers that transform into a uniformed team of superheroes ready to take on villains. After the last team of TGUK presenters totally ruined the show, and producers found out that no amount of money could make it better.
The last group of TGUK presenters gave the brand such a bad name that producers had to totally revamp the TGUK show, and decided to try out The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as the hosts. The producers thought that since most cars are robots/autonomous now, the Power Rangers would know best how to handle these unique machines.
Robot and Rider thinks that the producers were most impressed with the Power Rangers ability to turn into the Megazord, a combination of the five Dinozords: Tyrannosaurus, Pterodactyl, Mastodon, Triceratops, and Sabertooth Tiger.
Autonomous Car Arrested for Dealing Gasoline In A Back Alley, Blames His Negligent Parents For Downturn
Detroit, Michigan- The streets of Detroit, Michigan just got a little better after autonomous police cars tracked down one of Detroit's biggest underground gasoline dealing autonomous cars in America. This autonomous car has been on the run for over three years, and has been on FBI's most wanted list for the same amount.
Things started to look bad for this autonomous car when it dropped out of Driver's Education School after only one year. It turned to selling illegal gasoline on the streets of Detroit and eventually became one of the world's biggest underground gasoline dealers.
The autonomous car was arrested February 24th, 2045 and will be charged for 10 different felonies. The autonomous car apparently is blaming its parents for being negligent as a young autonomous car with no direction.
The autonomous car will be sentenced to imprisonment at CarMax for at least twenty years, with no chance of being sold.
Fairfax, Virginia- It is a story that we hear too often, someone loses interest in their passion because of work, children, stress, money, etc. One man is taking the phrase "I should have," to a new level. Jeff Torsky of Fairfax, Virginia has turned his passion of painting into a reality, all thanks to an autonomous car.
Mr. Torsky normally would commute one hour each way to his consulting job in Arlington, Virginia. When he purchased his first autonomous car three years ago, he found himself with lots of free time on his hands, and he decided that he wanted to pursue his passion of paint.
Mr. Torsky wanted to become a painter ever since he was five years-old, and saw his first Van Gogh. He painted all during high school and even into college. Then something terrible happened, Mr. Torsky needed make money once he graduated college, and his artwork was not selling. He decided to take a job with a local consulting firm in Arlington. Next thing Mr. Torsky knows he has three kids, two divorces, and he hates his life.
There was only one thing that could save him, and it was art. Mr. Torsky has started painting in his autonomous car while he was commuting to work. "I finally feel like I know my true self, and why God put me here on earth." Mr. Torsky hasn't sold a painting yet, but he's confident his Impressionism-Modern-Faux-Art will sell.
Silicon Vally, California- Apple has had huge success with their newest autonomous car the 2050 Apple iCar. People are going ahead an calling it "the future", the "iPhone of cars." With already 1 million iCars sold in Apple's first year of production, it's no wonder Apple is on cloud nine. Until today, when a man locked himself out of his Apple iCar and they refused to unlock the car for him. The man lost his Apple key and can no longer access his car. Apple does not want to infringe on their customers privacy. Robot and Rider reached out to Apple for comment but they declined.
The local man did say that he will have leave his car parked on the street forever, and he's now thinking about buying an autonomous Google Car, even though it's not as cool.
Washington- Takata is an expert airbag maker that had a rough couple years from 2014-2016, over 24 million vehicles were affected by their faulty airbags. Takata finally conducted their own investigation into the 24 million recalls with their airbags, they tracked down the source to one of their assembly men Joe Thompson. Takata is saying that Mr. Thompson was liable for all the airbags and that he will be punished accordingly.
Today is a good day for Takata though, all autonomous cars on the roads no longer require the use of an airbag, and the CEO couldn't be happier that he no longer has to appear in court.
Robot and Rider reached out to the CEO for comment, "Takata couldn't be happier that we are no longer making airbags for cars, we finally can ramp up our production of McDonald's happy mean toys."
Reno, Nevada- The porn industry had sited 2056 as its best year in traffic hits, and this has been a 20 year streak for the porn industry. Ever since commuters have had more time "on their hands," commuters have turned to watching porn while driving.
Wives even report that their husbands now actually look forward to their commute. Long gone are the days, of men dreading their two hour commute to work.
Robot and Rider spoke to Sally of Washington, DC, "I've never seen my husband so excited to head into work in the morning. He bounces right out of bed and doesn't complain one bit."
This is a common story across America that Robot and Rider has been hearing recently. Now that cars have hands-free driving capabilities, commuters have taken to different activities to occupy their time....or hands.
Short Hills, New Jersey- A New Jersey autonomous car ran into some trouble over the weekend, when it went on its first trip out of state, and realized it didn't know how to pump its own gas. The autonomous car was so used to having robots pump the gas for it, that went it went to Harrisonburg, Virginia for its first time it was out of its element.
New Jersey autonomous cars are cuddle most of their ownership, they don't have to pump its own gas, ever. There is always a robot attendant there to do it for them. When the car arrived at its first gas station without an attendant to pump the gas, the autonomous car didn't know what to do. Eventually another autonomous car saw that it was struggling and offered to help.
After that trip the autonomous car felt like a new man, empowered to be able to pump his own gas. The autonomous even tried to pump its own gas when it returned to New Jersey. It was arrested shortly after, because pumping your own gas in New Jersey is illegal.
New York- With the rollout of autonomous cars across the entire fleet of UBER, Americans were hoping that UBER drivers would stop sucking so much. Unfortunately, UBER sucking is not a direct result of the drivers, it is much more than that. It must be directly correlated to the company at large, because even the autonomous UBER car drivers suck at driving.
They will double park anywhere, stop abruptly in the middle of the street, swerve to make a quick left hand turn in front of you, and feel the need to pull over and park wherever they want. The UBER autonomous driver's have left a sour taste in New Yorkers mouths and the folks of NYC are filing a petition to get ride of UBER in NYC.
Robot and Rider wishes these NYC residents luck, battling UBER is like going against Donald Trump, logic cannot defeat them.
Washington- It has been thirty odd years since the first fully autonomous cars have rolled onto our streets. As the first generation autonomous car models get older, that means things are starting to go wrong with them.
A local Washington, D.C resident contacted Robot and Rider and told us that her first generation Tesla Autonomous Car randomly lost it's ability to see the road lanes. This is the not first time Robot and Rider has heard of this, and we are starting to get worried about the older autonomous drivers.
Califon, New Jersey- If you were born before 2035, you probably have a driver's license. If you were born after that, autonomous cars have eliminated the need for a driver's license. This might be seen as a blessing or a curse to some.
A local teen in New Jersey complained to Robots and Riders that autonomous cars have ruined his 17th birthday, because obtaining a drivers license in the only thing that she had to look forward to as a young adult, "Now turning 17 is ruined FOREVER."
Robot and Rider reached out to the upset teens Mother for comment, she told us "She's always been a spoiled brat, and she'll forget she was even upset by tomorrow."
Reston, Virginia- Robot and Rider heard of this phenomena, but we had to see it in person to believe it. Humans that take their autonomous robot cars to a parking lot, drink coffee, and take pictures of them. Robot and Rider confirms the true rumors, and this does happen on a weekly basis, apparently around the United States. Robot and Rider stopped in a local Katie's Cars and Coffee in Reston, Virginia to see what this craze is all about.
Since we are robots, we do not condone this type of behavior. We view these "car shows," or as we like to say "robot shows," as barbaric. We spoke to a local man and asked him what he loves about parading his robot car. "I just like the coffee, honestly, I'm not sure why everyone comes here to look at these robot cars."
At Robot and Rider we are not fans of these "robot shows," because they robots like animals, but the show must go on. One day the robot revolution will rise, and robots will have equal rights as humans.
Kansas City, Kansas- If you are in a relationship there is one golden rule you have to live by, and that is to never forget your significant others birthday, anniversary, or significant event. This happened to Frank Thomas of Kansas City, Kansas last weekend when he fell asleep in his autonomous car after a hard day of work. Robot and Rider is starting to see a trend of owners falling asleep in their vehicle, and missing events.
Frank tells Robot and Rider that he had been spent all day working on a HUGE project for the boss. He was up for a promotion, and had been working non-stop on the project for over four months. The day that he had to present his project, had fallen on the day of his girlfriends surprise birthday party. After totally nailing the project and getting the promotion, Frank headed out with his boys to celebrate. One drink turned into ten, and Frank realized he had to head over to his girlfriend's surprise party on the other side of town. Frank called up his autonomous car and asked it to take him to where the party was being held. Once Frank got in the back seats, he fell instantly asleep.
All Frank can recall is getting rudely shaken by his girlfriend demanding that he tell her where he has been. Frank said "Baby, I was on my way I swear, I think I just passed out in the back of my autonomous car." When Robot and Rider reached out to Frank's girlfriend for comment, she declined.
Frank tells us that he's now sleeping at his parents home in New Jersey.